THE

CHRISTENSEN CONNECTION

Fun with Puns

A budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"
He gives the vendor twenty bucks and says "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor says "change must come from within."

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

An engineer, a programmer, and their manager go out for lunch. On the way from the car to the restaurant they find a magic lamp in the parking lot. They rub it, and out pops a genie. "I can grant but three wishes and because there are three of you, each will receive one wish," he said. The programmer went first. "I want to be in Tahiti surrounded by beautiful women," he said. Poof! He disappears. The engineer went next. "I want to be in Hawaii with a huge house, tons of money, and surrounded by gorgeous women," he said. Poof! He disappears. The manager went last. He said, "I want them both back in the office after lunch."

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything that is, except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language.
As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.
Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. Standing before the Judge, she was asked,
" What did you steal?" "A can of peaches," she replied. The Judge then asked her why she had stolen them.
"I was hungry," she said. The Judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “6”.
The Judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." But before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment,
the woman's husband spoke up and asked the Judge if he could say something. "What?" said the Judge.
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, .... and still be afraid of a spider.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum blownapart.

11 COMPUTER HAIKUS

The Web site you seek

Cannot be located

but Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright,
who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of
night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
went headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath,

the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the

bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP!!??"